Breakthrough Part II

...Ok, where to continue...?

Let's start with a little history.
I've wanted kids since before I knew the word "womb." And waaaaay before we got pregnant with Micah I was hungrily reading any and everything I could get my hands on about parenting and babies. My thirst for knowledge in this area was unquenchable and by the time chunky Micah made his way into the world I felt I had something of a PhD in baby.

I was filled to the brim with baby facts, the house was filled with baby accouterments, and Terry and I were ready!

And then God sent us Micah.

A happy, blue-eyed, bundle of chubby cheeks and crazy hair. I dove head-first into studying him. I was devoted to this delicious little being and I became a living example of a mother hen protecting her baby chick.

And, since nearly day one of Micah's life, all we've heard is how great he is. How well-behaved, how cute, how polite. And all of it was very, very true. My two year old says, "Excuse me," when he needs to get by. Says, "bless you," when you sneeze. Has been putting his dirty clothes in his hamper without being told for a year now. Yep, he's pretty awesome.

And none of this behavior was a result of my so-called "PhD." Most of it cannot even be attributed to genes. Only to the fingerprint of God who gave Micah just the right characteristics for him to tackle God's agenda for him during his lifetime. And because of this, we wait and wonder what will come of our first-born.

The Pressure Builds
While, unfortunately, most other people just waited to see how our second-born would turn out. Just as soon as people figured out that Micah has a willing spirit and a gentle heart, we began hearing, "Your next baby won't be like that. It doesn't happen two times." And more often than not, Terry and I found ourselves wondering if people were begrudging us the joys of an easy baby. And I began to take these comments as a challenge regarding our next little Domino...

...And that's where we begin our Caleb story. On the heels of an angel child, with the weight of the world on our shoulders. Or, at least that's how I felt anyway. I was determined, de-termined, to bring Caleb into a world where he would find HIS place, his unique position in our family, that he would never feel the pressure I had. Never feel anyone comparing him to his older brother.

So, instead, I put pressure on myself. And so with each day that passed and Caleb wasn't compliant, wasn't a great eater, sleeper, etc, etc, my shoulders slumped a little more.

Not Living Up To Perfection
The story that's most telling involves pacifiers. With Micah, once we settled on the Nuk pacifier, we bought two and those two lasted until he was six months. Then we replaced them with the "6 months and up" style. And those two lasted until we went paci-free.

A month ago, we were pulling out of the parking lot at church, on our way to Sunday lunch, and we realized we'd somehow lost all of our pacifiers in a few short hours. We had to pull into Walgreens and buy replacements. It seems like such a small thing, but I was heartbroken! I looked at it as just another failure-- why hadn't I been attentive enough to keep up with Caleb's things? I so wanted to live up to being the "100% mommy" that Micah had had. But I was failing.

Not only could I not find that "sweet spot" position that will make Caleb drift happily to sleep, but I couldn't even keep his diaper bag stocked with pacifiers!
I can't guarantee him an uninterrupted nap with no 'big brother' noise. I can't hold him for an hour after he gets his shot at the doctor's office, because then it's big brother's turn to get poked. I can't wear him in the sling all day long, I can't stop the world just to watch him yawn.

I so wanted him to come into a world where he was prince! I wanted to have the time to dedicate to studying him so I could unlock the secrets of his personality and learn how to best be his mommy, how to give him exactly what he needed to thrive and become the child of God he'd been created to be.

Insight From Another Mommy
A few days ago I went to Focus on the Family.com like I do on a regular basis. Even though the title put me off, I listened to a podcast called, "Help for Angry Moms." The speaker talked only momentarily about her second child whom she calls a "voracious baby." If you listen to the message, you'll undoubtedly get something completely different out of it. But, I was immediately buoyed by this mom's words about her demanding second child. The truth is, all I think I needed to hear was that someone else had been where I was standing.

She and Dr. Dobson discussed her need to "fix" her son and I heard my own words echoed back to me. Dr. Dobson reminds moms that there will be things we, as women, see in our sons that we don't recognize in ourselves. And we immediately, and wrongly, think we should fix those things. He warns that we must give them room to be boys: messier, louder, dirtier!

Where's the Support?
This poor mom struggled with intense angry moments in her early mommy-hood and I was so encouraged to hear her be honest and open about being a mom.
I always hear people say that being a mom is a great thing. I hear them say that it's the hardest job out there. But I don't feel I've been given any room to do it-- I felt judgement and snickers from the get-go.
Instead of encouraging moms, helping moms, lifting them up, we unfortunately find it more fun to criticize them, poke fun at their methods, or kick them when they're down. And a great example of that is the comment from "Anonymous" on my last post. I was lamenting my inability to effectively parent and I got scolded about feedings by someone not even brave enough to post their name.

Breakthrough!
Most of the pressure I've put on myself as a mom has come from others. (Notice I said 'most' because I do own up to my part in this. I've set too many goals with not enough time to meet my own deadlines.) I realize that I was crazy to listen to comments about our second baby. I was silly to believe I had anything to prove to anyone. And I was mistaken to think that Caleb was my son to mold. He is the Lord's and I'm only an innocent bystander. That truth alone brings me so much peace!

Caleb's Place In Our Hearts and Home
I'm reminded of why Terry and I were attracted to the name, "Caleb." It means faithful and bold. When I told my grandmother this, she said, "Oh, you don't want him to be too bold!" And I remember thinking that actually, to me, 'bold' sounded lovely. God answered my prayers and brought me our outgoing and so far, quite bold, baby!

As hard as it's been to have a 2-year-old and a newborn, I never have to wistfully wonder "what if". I never have to have any regrets over our family tree because we took our timetable for children to God and laid it as His feet. He decided when the time was right for us to expand as a family. And I already see how powerful of an impact Caleb's left on our lives. We may be going through growing pains, but it's only serving to stretch us into the image God has planned for us. Caleb brought things to our family that we were desperately in need of. His uniqueness reminds us of the creativity of God.

Yesterday, for the very first time without us prompting him, Micah said, "I love you." He didn't say it to me. He didn't say it to Terry. He said it to Caleb.

Caleb, buddy, you are home. Welcome. We'll try and keep up. :)