Pitter-Patter...

Oh, the pitter-patter of...little feet? My heart? My extreme indecisiveness?

Why is it harder to choose when to have a second baby than it is to choose to have the first? Because you know what you're getting into better? Because you're more prepared? Because you're just so darn tired?

When we were pregnant, Terry and I kind of unofficially decided that 18 months would be the longest we'd wait to start trying again. My old OBGYN didn't waste any time giving us fertility drugs due to a condition that I have that increases infertility. But, the next doctor might not be as accommodating and we could have a long try ahead of us. We do want to have all of our kids close together. But we're sort of frozen in this indecisive state.

I read in Parents magazine once that when asked what one word described being a mom the most, a woman answered, "guilt." That wouldn't be my first choice, but it does make sense. There's guilt about everything. I feel guilty that I work from home and Micah has to share me with the computer. I feel guilty that he doesn't have little buddies like he would if he were in daycare. I feel guilty that he doesn't have a sibling on the way yet. And I feel guilty for wanting Baby #2 when Micah needs and deserves so much attention on his own.

One of the last things we did upon moving into our house was take a bunch of boxes of baby stuff up to the attic. While Terry was making the trek, arms full, up and down the attic stairs, curiosity got the best of me and I opened a box. I found Micah's old bouncy chair. He used it from the day he came home from the hospital. It soothed him and he napped in it. He also played in it when I showered. I hadn't seen it in a while and it brought back this flood of emotion. Then it got worse...I turned it's music on. Hello tears!! Music will take you back like nothing else can and when I heard that sweet, familiar, little nursery song, all I could remember was Micah as a newborn.

It didn't take long before Micah the toddler came running to investigate the music. Maybe he recognized the song, too, because he was fascinated with the chair. Before I knew it, he'd crawled into it. Seeing my big boy in his little baby chair sure did a number on me! It's moments like that when you say, Why aren't we already pregnant? I mean, who cares if it's hard or trying? Our experience with Micah has been that way and never for one second do we regret it!

I heard Joyce Meyer say once that if you are a Christian and have a close walk with God, prayer and Bible time everyday, etc., then you don't have to second guess every impulse you have because you can trust that God is leading you to that decision. But, I'm not sure I believe that. The Bible makes it clear that we're full of "flesh" and we have to fight wrong impulses and selfish desires. So, Terry and I will just continue to pray about timing and wait for an answer. Thank goodness we don't have to depend on ourselves to make this decision!