Vanity

When I was pregnant the first time I didn't care one eensy bit about my weight. I didn't care how gi-normous I got, how many sizes in bras I would have to go up to nurse, or how many stretch marks I got in the process.

Let me tell you...I was D-U-M-B! I think, in reality, I didn't know how bad it could get. It's been nearly 14 months since Micah was born and I really don't think my stretch marks have faded at all. I gave myself one year to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, and even though I haven't hopped on a scale in 9 months or so, I know I'm not very close. I'm still one size bigger than I'd like to be. Even if I lost all the weight, there have been noticeable changes to my body that will never go back. Bigger hips, bigger (okay, not bigger, just wider)butt, even bigger feet and hands (I've been putting of getting my wedding ring re-sized for way too long).

But, here's my dumbest, most selfish concern about pregnancy the second time around...I can't continue on my medication while I nurse which means Fat City. Let me explain.

I have something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome/Disease. It sounds way worse than it is. Simply put, it's a metabolic disorder that affects how about 30% of my body operates. My digestive system and my reproductive system to name a few (and new studies indicate my thyroid might be on that list as well). It can be regulated with diet and medication. It's a fairly new disease on the medical scene- only being properly diagnosed for about 20 years and there's still much debate over proper treatment.

I'm allowed to stay on my medication while I'm pregnant. Which is great, because when I'm off of it, I blow up like a balloon. And while doctors assume it is safe to nurse while taking it, there haven't been enough studies for the FDA to affirmatively say it's ok.

The medication is strong stuff and you have to slowly increase your dosage to not cause major destruction to your body. It made me unable to keep anything down for about the first 3 months I was on it. After that, if I skip a dosage, still today, I suffer the consequences.

Here's a picture of me before I had PCOS. This is the night before I got engaged, so that makes it late November 2003. My problems started about three months after this.


This is a picture of me 1 year later, a few weeks after being diagnosed.

This is a picture of me 1 year after taking my meds.

My last month of pregnancy my doctor lowered my dosage by a small amount to allow my body time to prepare to be completely off the medication when Micah was born. Maybe it's a coincidence, but I didn't get ONE stretch mark until after I'd cut back my dosage.

This is me three weeks after Micah was born, so three weeks of no medication at all.

Now fast forward just one month and this is how I looked with nearly 2 months of no meds. (Don't forget I was nursing at the time which burns an average of 500 calories per day, so I should have been LOSING weight at this time)


I'm kind of tired of this roller coaster of weight gain. I know it can't be good for my body either. But I don't see how I can justify not nursing for my own vanity. There are lots of reasons not to nurse, but this one doesn't qualify. I feel guilty already and I'm not even pregnant.