Silence...

What a change! There are no babies in my house! It's causing some major growing pains for me. When I first became a mom there was a whole lot of just adjusting to this new creature and it took up all my time. I had to put in so much extra effort to do those little Mommy-chores that are now second-nature. Then, when I became a Mommy of two there was a whole new world of "juggling" that opened up. My days back then were full of balancing changing diapers and temper tantrums. I stayed busy, busy even on days when we never left the house.

And now... well, it's different. One of our biggest "rules" as parents (for Terry and I) is to teach independence. We want the kids to trust in their own abilities to do something--anything-- and not be afraid to try. We hope they know we've got their backs if they need us, but encouraging them to be self sufficient was a personal goal for us from the start.

And this is probably the biggest contributing factor to my feelings of gloom lately. There's been a slow, steady and silent shifting of familial tectonic plates, if you will. Where once, being a Mom meant physical stress (no sleep, potty training, chasing a crawler) now it's almost exclusively a mental challenge.

Although they might not do it in a perfect way, if I allowed them to, my boys could dress themselves, brush their teeth, comb their hair, fix their snacks and lunches, refill their water cups, rinse their dishes, open the garage door to get toys, clean up their rooms, fold clothes and towels, sweep and dust, and bathe themselves. In fact, on any given day, they do 90% of that on their own.

It's so very interesting how God made this cycle of childhood. Back when I was feeding, nursing, burping, rocking the babies, I was so physically drained that I could barely string together a sentence. And just like many a wise mother told me, it was a stage that passed too fast, regardless of it's difficulty.

While I pause, on the precipice of this new stage of Mommyhood, I'm all too aware of how this next stage might end up being even more difficult. Now we've got educations and spiritual lives to guide. We've got a brotherly relationship to foster and friendships that we need to encourage to grow. While the goal of mothering a baby is primarily to keep them alive, my goal now will be to set the foundation for a fulfilling life.

It's been a strange adjustment for me so far. I had a moment a while back where I thought, "I'm bored!" And that was the first time that had happened in years! Now that mundane baby tasks aren't necessary anymore, what I do during the day depends entirely on me. And the pace of our life in the last few weeks since Easter have s-l-o-w-e-d. At first I thought I needed to find a solution. A part-time job! Classes for the kids and for me! Summer projects to replace homeschool! I spent hours online finding fun, Summer activities and I've got a spreadsheet full of events to prove it.

But, it was in my quiet time with God that He reminded me that He is the one weaving the pattern of my life and that it was Him who directed me towards being a Stay at Home Mom and later a Homeschool mom. And both of those things lead to a slower-paced life. And a closer look in to what happens during a life of "calm" gave me the insight to say, "Yes, that's exactly the kind of life I want!" Of course God knows me better than I know myself!

Where there's silence, there's time for prayer, Bible-reading and reflection. Where there's silence there's time for just being together. No agenda or calendar.

I can see God's hand, guiding us down the very specific path He chose for us. I see His presence when I look back over the hectic days when Micah and Caleb were babies. And I can trust that wherever our little boys lead us next, God's hand will be there, too. I'm where I am today because he slowed me down long enough that I would hear His voice and follow it's lead. And despite those short, heart-breaking moments when I see a baby and realize that, for me those days are over, I am confident that what God has to show me next will be breath-taking.

Next, my little boys will become big kids!